Pile Driver: 5 Worst Wrestling Movies Ever Made
Picking the Most Awful Wrestling Movie Body Slam Laid on an Audience
With the John Cena 12 Rounds film set to debut in March from WWE Films, and Mickey Rourke's tour de force performance in The Wrestler winning raves from critics, it's safe to say the wrestling movie genre has matured. But what fun would it be to remember the best of the best, when there are so many bad wrestling movies to have soiled celluloid over the years?
The following list is by no means exhaustive of all the wrestling movie crap out there, but it is a good representation.
5. Santo Versus The Martian Invasion (1967)
Times were much simpler in 1967. How else could a film exist in any culture where a Mexican luchadore wrestler saves the world from a bunch of little green men. Box office gold! This one gets a pass from the number one slot because of this writer's realization there are certain things about Mexican culture he must not understand. Otherwise, a laughable romp.
4. Ready to Rumble (2000)
David Arquette managed to do the impossible with this wrestling movie that is, quite simply, new enough to know better. While Vince McMahon was starting to pull back the curtain on the days of kayfabe, or that illusion of reality professional wrestling so desperately tried to cling to, WCW backed this film, which plays things completely straight. Oh sure, it's a comedy, but audiences were laughing at all the wrong parts and simply rolling their eyes at the ridiculousness of it all. This wrestling movie led to Arquette's eventual acquirement of the "real" WCW championship, a milestone that is still largely credited as the ruination of Ted Turner's promotion. Good one, David Arquette.
3. No Holds Barred (1989)
This is it. The first starring vehicle for Hulk Hogan, who had, by 1986, made a huge splash in Rocky III as Thunderlips and the rest of the wrestling world as, well, Hulk Hogan. This first WWF movie was a pioneer for the stupid, and cannot be watched straight through without hysterical laughter during all the serious parts. The plot features Hogan as a top dog wrestler, whose brother is mauled by the seemingly invincible warrior Zeus (Tommy Lister), who is backed by an unscrupulous promoter. Boneheaded hilarity ensues!
2. American Angels: Baptism of Blood (1989)
Yes, even worse than No Holds Barred is this foray into the female wrestling genre starring the Magnificent Mimi. While the eye candy is nice to look at, the plot, or lack thereof, is completely laughable. Lisa wants to follow in her grandfather Killer Kane's footsteps, so she joins a female wrestling organization and essentially sleeps her way to a title shot with the Magnificent Mimi. Beware the dreaded wrestling move "the snap"! It's been known to kill.
(Did these folks actually think they were on to something here?)
1. Body Slam (1986)
A struggling music manager gets sick of booking his band Kicks in small-time shows (such as the grand opening of the local Dairy Queen). After mistaking wrestler Roddy Piper for a musician, he decides to make the most of things and travels the country with a highly successful "Rock 'N Wrestling" tour. Features one of the hammiest endings in movie history that'll give you seizures from how much your eyes will be rolling up into your skull.
Final Thoughts
It's not fair to punish wrestling movies to come for wrestling movies past. But after watching the movies listed above, wrestling fans across the world can certainly understand the apprehension of regular movie fans to give these pieces of crap a chance. What is there to lose by wasting time on another No Holds Barred? How about 90 minutes of your life?
Read more about the John Cena 12 Rounds film at the official site.
To read more on the disastrous films in this list, check out IMDB and search by title.
Hulk Hogan in No Holds Barred
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